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Impossible Perfection

Updated: Nov 19, 2020

At age eleven I began my journey towards perfection.

I thought that maybe if I could be skinnier, prettier, or smarter than I would be worthy of love and acceptance.

Although, the reality is that I was believing a lie, this lie that I clung to hurt me deeply for eight years of my life.

I remember a time in my life where I would drink one glass of milk and eat half a cup of rice for the entire day, sometimes even less. I would be so exhausted that I would sit on the couch for hours a day. My joy for life was stolen by anorexia, something I never wanted, I loved food, I loved being spazzy and energized. But as much as I loved those things, I wanted to be worthy and loved more than all those combined. I have never been a good liar but when it came to my unhealthy eating patterns I eternalized it, I kept it to myself, and to this day most people don’t know how serious it got for me. From my anorexia came bulimia and binge eating, which was the worst of all in my opinion.

Through all of this there was something in me that needed to feel in control. My life as kid and teenager was really hard and I felt like I had no control of anything but I could control food. When I would restrict my food intake it gave me a sense of relief. Although, when I would binge eat, I felt so out of control it would ruin me. I would eat more than I thought I ever could and would feel so guilty, so ugly, that I tried to reverse what I had just done. This hurt me mentally and physically, during this period of my life I had never felt so unwanted. No matter how much people told me I was loved, or that I was pretty, it didn’t matter. I had to believe it for myself, I had to learn that perfection is unattainable, from my bulimia came depression and anxiety.

Throughout this I had Christ, He was my rock. God was the only constant in my life, because through all my pain, I was struggling to be close to Christ. However, one day everything changed, I was battling bulimia and thought to myself if I keep going on like this my body will not be able to have children...eating disorders ravage your body, this motivated me. Having this motivation made me strive towards recovery, it was hard, and I failed many times, but I knew that I had to fight against my eating disorders.

I asked my sisters for help, I knew I couldn’t do it alone, bringing people into your recovery is essential. After a long journey I can now say that after almost two years I have not relapsed! My relationship with God is stronger than ever and I feel so free. Knowing my worth can still be a struggle sometimes, but now I have more than enough strength to fight it.

Your motivation might not be having children but having something that is more important than being in control, more important than feeling worthy, that something will help to motivate yourself towards recovery. Maybe you want to graduate college or travel or get to a place where you can help other girls.

Life is hard and it hurts but going through this hardship gave me a way to relate to so many hurting people. I am blessed to have experienced this, and I hope my story can encourage you in some way.

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